Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
