wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
