Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
