this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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