This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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