I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
