I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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