Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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