Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
