Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
