Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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