Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize