I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
