I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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