Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
