So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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