so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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