Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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