Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
