guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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