Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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