I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
