he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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