If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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