Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
