dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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