If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I deserve this hangover.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
