So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
