I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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