I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
it's like iHOP with fire
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
