I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
