look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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