Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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