I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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