If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
