then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
