Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
