That's when you crack a 10am beer
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i wish my penis had a tongue
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
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All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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