god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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