Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
