He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i love accidental penises.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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