she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
