There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
