end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My feet surprised me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
