Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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