Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
