Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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