Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
