Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
