woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
