I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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