we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
