What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
