mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
