if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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