i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
