Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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