Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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